Yesterday, at my college, we held our annual Take Back the Night Speak-out & Rally. For those of you who aren’t familiar yet, Take Back the Night is “an internationally held march and rally intended as a protest and direct action against rape and other forms of violence against women, originated by the feminist movement.” People gather together in a room on campus and one by one survivors walk to the front and share their stories – once everyone has shared (we go until two minutes passes after the last speaker) we take to the streets (or in this case, the campus) to let out all of the anger and sadness and hope that the speakout causes us to feel in the form of chants.

I left that speak out feeling empowered; that is, until I logged onto facebook and saw that someone on my friends list had made a tasteless joke (“Take Back the Night? Sounds more like Rape Me Tonight!”) and, even worse, other people on my friends list were actually pressing the like button (the new online equivalent of laughing along with the joke.) Needless to say, I was pissed. How could this person make a joke about an event that means so much to so many people? What if one of the survivors who spoke that night saw this too? Would they feel as deflated as I felt right now? How could people be so callous as to laugh at a rape joke about rape survivors?!

And then I realized: this outrage that I’m feeling right now is outrage that I should be feeling more often – I should be feeling it every time hear someone make rape into a punchline. I don’t know why or when this started but recently I feel like I’ve been hearing  a lot more jokes about rape as well as hearing the word rape thrown around in a causal manner (ie. One friend, jokingly, saying to the other “I’m totally gonna rape you later tonight” or “I raped that exam today”) and I haven’t known what to do about it.

Yes, I’ve felt upset every time I hear rape being trivialized in this way but, until last night, that feeling manifested itself in discomfort rather than full on anger. I would sometimes try to say something to my friends making the comment but I was never quite confident enough to own what I was saying and so, it always ended up with people apologizing and then promising not to make those comments in front of me anymore. That’s not enough.

This really hit home with me last night as a friend who I called out for approving of the disgusting status apologized and told me that she had liked the status only because she didn’t know what TBTN was. While I appreciated the apology, at the same time I was still pretty upset because, at the end of the day, my friend laughed at a rape joke. The fact that the joke directly mocked an anti sexual assault event was a big part of its offense, yes, but even without an understanding of that part – its still a rape joke.

These types of comments are harmful; not just because a rape survivor might hear them and feel victimized (and with statistics like 1 in 4 the chances that you’re speaking to/near a rape survivor are pretty damn high) but because they add to a culture that doesn’t see rape as something that big anymore. Aside from hurting individuals, every rape joke told is just another drop into the bucket that allows our society to stop taking rape, and its victims, seriously. This is a problem.

The kind of culture we’ve created with these jokes is the kind of culture that can look at a self-admitted child rapist, Roman Polinski, and say something like:

“It’s bad a person was raped. But that was so many years ago. The guy has been through so much in his life. It’s crazy to arrest him now. Let it go. The government could spend its money on other things.” (Feminist Majority Leader, Peg Yorkin)

No, just, no. This man is a rapist. He drugged and raped thirteen year old child, fled the country, and got away without serving jail time (he did spent 46 days in psychiatric treatment, but that was it.) What I want to know is this: how did we, as a community, get to the point where so many of us can look at the rape, the absolute betrayal, of a thirteen year old girl and not want to see her rapist in jail? Did this happen at the same time we started to find rape funny?

The only way to take back both the night AND the day from those who commit and trivialize sexual assault is to stop making rape joke and stop laughing at them.

I, for one, am not laughing anymore – not even to be polite – and I hope you’ll join me.

[Crossposted to Amplify]

Earlier this week I caught a episode of the Tyra Show that honestly, just horrified me. The episode, called Does Size Matter: Women’s Edition, confronted this “important” question in regards to women’s butts and boobs under the guise of building positive body image. In the first half of the show Tyra had five women line up in a series of stalls that were blocked off both on top and on bottom so that the only part of these women that could be seen were their butts.

Tyra then had a panel of five men, sitting just off to the side, comment on the women’s butts one at a time.

Some of the comments made were positive – for instance woman number one was told that she had a nice butt because she was “standing there like an action hero” and it was “even all out.”

Some of them were mean – like when woman number four was told that she needs to “do a couple of squats because [...] [her booty] has some spread to it” but he didn’t like the way it was “going up into her back.”

Some were creepy – like when woman number two was complemented on the space between her upper thighs legs which he called a “gap” and was told to “open that up” when she reflexively pressed her legs together more.

Finally, some of them were just plain weird – like when number five was told that her booty was a “Mufasa ass” (which I gather is a good thing?) The man who coined the term claimed to have used it because she had a “very healthy booty, that is a booty that says I am booty hear me roar.” He later added that he knows several guys who would like to “roar” with her booty.

Now I know Tyra isn’t considered a paragon of good taste (or even sanity), which is why I debated for a long while as to whether or not I should even write about this, but I still think something has to be said. Tyra has been putting herself out there for awhile now as an advocate for body acceptance and self esteem in women and girls. She even tried to frame this exercise as something that would be positive to these women’s body image – claiming that it would help women to understand once and for all what men want – is it boobs, booties, or the “skinny minnie bodies” that the media tries to sell us. Tyra’s heart may have been in the right place, but her message is all wrong. Here’s why…

Breaking Women Down to Booties and Boobs (Objectification)

The way in which these women were literally broken down into body parts (butts to be specific) by the enclosure that Tyra set up honestly left me aghast for a good few hours. I just kept asking my boyfriend how Tyra, a woman who claims to be against objectification, could so openly and obviously objectify a group of women on her own show. How did she not realize what she was doing?

I understand this was an exercise meant to focus on the women’s butts; but by blocking out every other parts of these women Tyra is making a strong symbolic statement, one that I am not comfortable with. People are more than just a hodgepodge of body parts and exercises like this, that focus critique only on a fragment of a whole person, do damage to that whole person.

Objectification is wrong when it happens in real life (and it does all of the time) but there is something even more wrong, in my mind, with it happening on purpose as part of an exercise on national television. By blocking these women off in the way that she did Tyra sent the message that it is okay to judge women based on their butts (or breasts, or faces, etc…) alone. That’s a message I can’t get behind.

Encouraging the Male Gaze & Heteronormative Thinking

Tyra’s next HUGE mistake was the way that this panel was set up. By putting together a panel of guys to discuss these women’s body parts she is subscribing to the ideal that women exist, primarily, to satisfy the male gaze. I mean, think about it: its one thing to feed into the obsession with how other perceive us by putting together a panel of people to discuss how our body parts appear. Its another thing entirely to build a panel solely of men. That sends a message, a very specific message. That says: women, you are here to please men. Your body is only acceptable if these men (representing all men) find it appealing.

Whats worst about this portion of the exercise is that its not so unbelievable – we see it in the real world all of the time. Most women have stories about times when they were out in public, maybe shopping, maybe walking down the street, maybe sitting and eating a meal… and a man who happened to be nearby felt the need to comment on an aspect of their appearance. We even have a word for it: catcalling. [See this post on Jezebel for examples if you need evidence!] The male gaze exists in the real world – and it is demoralizing.

In the real world the male gaze has the power to reduce a powerful woman to nothing more than a body to be used as men vocally cast their opinions – either I’d bang that or not good enough. It can be paralyzing, as a young woman, to try and stand above this and be given the respect you deserve, all the while knowing you’re being judged (silently and not so silently) for the way you look first, and the content of your message second (if at all.)

Furthermore, by only involving men in this discussion Tyra ignored all of the lesbian and bisexual women who also find women’s bodies attractive. If we’re interested in finding out what female bodies are considered the most attractive (putting aside the fact that this goal is flawed for a moment) shouldn’t we be interested in getting the opinions of all the different types of people who are attracted to women?

The Racial Thing

At one point, immediately after the “booty girls” (as Tyra called them) were revealed, one of the panelists uttered this troubling line: “I didn’t even realize [women number three] was a white girl… I was so busy looking at the booty.”

This comment contributes to the way of thinking we seem to have in America, one that racializes body parts (specifically, black women are expected to have big booties, while white women are more typically associated with breasts) in a disturbing way. The truth is women come in an assortment of colors and sizes, and no woman should feel pressured to look a certain way based simply on her ethnic background.

Perhaps the only good thing this segment did was to highlight the effects that these race-based assumptions have as we saw one black women speak about her insecurities over having a “flat” booty – insecurities that lead her to buy and wear a “prosthetic booty” only after ruling butt-plumping injections out as too expensive. This is wrong, this woman should be allowed to feel comfortable with her body as it is.

[Side note: This article, which I hope to talk more about sometime in the future, casts an interesting light on race and what is considered desirable/attractive in society.]

Critiquing Bodies at All

I think what horrified me most was the way in which the people who I was watching this with so quickly jumped into critiquing the butts on screen, right along with the men. There were places where my friends where horrified, don’t get me wrong , like when one of the panelists, during the boob portion of the show, likened women with small breasts to men; but there were also places in the show where I listened to my (female) friends join in on the conversation – pointing out flaws that they perceived in these women’s bodies.

This is wrong.

Its one thing to find someone attractive, obviously I am not saying we should start pretending that we are not attracted to certain bodies. What I am saying, though, is that we should stop tearing other peoples bodies apart, just because we don’t personally find them attractive. Just as there are all different types of bodies in this world there are also all different types of attractions – some people get turned on by bigger butts, or smaller boobs, or wider hips, or flatter tummies, or rounder tummies, or broad shoulders… whatever. Its cheesy but its true: beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and every body is beautiful to some beholder. Its fine to focus on the bodies you find beautiful, but why not just leave the ones you don’t find beautiful alone instead of tearing them down?

There’s something else about this that bothers me too… with all that our bodies can do, why is the focus always on how they look? Our bodies are for running, and dancing, and creating, and hugging, and writing, and so much more… but how often do we celebrate that? Why does the conversation always seem to come back down to the way our bodies look?

It doesn’t have to be this way; lets focus on how our bodies, and all that they do, help to create the whole of who we are… we’ll leave Tyra to discuss the bits and pieces.

[You can view a video of this portion of the show here.]

Its as if the Universe wanted to give me the perfect explanation as to why I have pretty much fallen off the edge of it lately, at least in terms of blogging: I just finished writing this super long post/explanation as to where the hell I’ve been lately and WordPress pretty much ate it. I pressed publish and all it published was the title (which remains unchanged, and way too pertinent now) and the word its (which I also kept on to start my re-write.) Basically everything just imploded – class, work, more work, voulenteering, getting REALLY sick… and then, in the midst of this, I FORGOT HOW TO WRITE (or at least I feel as if I have).

So posting will be sporadic for awhile, and not so well written, but I promie I’ll get some stuff up – at least the stuff I write for Amplify (because I made a commitment to them and I am determined to keep it) and the Ramapo Women’s Center Blog (because all the cool kids in the WC are blogging which means I must as well!) Maybe I’ll trhow some of my creative writing stuff on here too because, why not?!

Anyways, that was the gist of a much longer rant that WordPress ate. Now enjoy something I wrote a week ago for Amplify, while I go enjoy some more cough medicine (that probably isn’t helping me be coherent right now, come to think of it.)I miss you, blogosphere!

*********************************************************

I’ve had a lot of frustrating moments lately, moments that have been beating me down and making it very hard to blog. Like two days ago, I went to a game-show styled event at my college, modeled after the show Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader. One contestant, a fellow student who I actually really liked before this show, was asked who the first female speaker for the house was. He get the answer (Nancy Pelosi) right after much deliberation and the use of a lifeline; when all was said and done, however, he felt the need to quip – “I was between her and Hillary Clinton… though I’m not sure Hillary is a woman.”

There was the expected laughter, along with a few groans, and another guy sarcastically shouted out “she’s beautiful in her own way.” My boyfriend laughed (though, privatley, he knew I’d be mad and understands why – his laugh was for show and nothing more.) The men running the show laughed. Everyone around me laughed… I didn’t even crack a grin.

Its strange to note this change In myself – a year ago I probably would have chuckled a bit and moved on, chalking it up to guys joking around. I would have felt uncomfortable, in some faint way, but that discomfort wouldn’t have had a voice. Now, I just get angry. I get angry and I know why I’m angry.

Feminism was exciting for me at first – a whole new world of people and thoughts for me to embrace, people who believed that same things that I already, intuitively, believed. Its still exciting, don’t get me wrong, but along with that excitement I’m starting to feel frustration creep through – frustration at the little bits of oppression that manage to slip through each day.

In a way I feel that it’s the little things, like a Hillary joke here and there, that threaten more than big oppressions. When you fight for gay marriage or equal pay, for instance, you’re seen as an activist, as someone with a cause. People may disagree with you, of course, but its hard for them to belittle your commitment to a cause. When you try to speak out about a demeaning joke, however, its very easy for anti-feminists to label you as humorless, or frigid, or a bitch. You’re told not to make a big deal out of something so small.

The thing is, its not so small. That joke isn’t just a tired play on the Hillary-isn’t-feminine-enough meme… its an attack. It tells women that if they want power, if they want to be taken seriously they better be smart and pretty. They better present themselves in a way that goes along with their biological sex. They better not be too demanding, or too assertive- because that is not feminine…. that’s a big message for such a little joke.

I’m all about meeting people where they are but sometimes, like in this situation, its not really appropriate or feasible to start a dialogue about why a joke or a comment is offensive. Furthermore, why should I have to start a dialogue about something designed to sap my power? I’ve already been disrespected… why would I want to approach this person and start a conversation? Its hard sometimes to be an activist.

So I’m having a bit of a crisis in my activism – I seem to have lost my spark, just a bit, in a pool of frustration. I know I’m not alone. Who else has had this experience? What have you done about it How do you deal when you just want to yell F-you and flee from the room when you know you should be starting a reciprocal dialogue?

So this is much  more belated than I would have hoped but, congrats everyone, Self-Esteem Awareness Month is over! My hard-drive crashed a little over a week ago which is why I stopped posting every day, but I have a new one now so posting here should resume as my class schedule will allow. I honestly don’t have much to say right now, this has been a month of ups and downs and unfortunatley, the whole project sort of overwhelmed me towards the end. I will say I have seen progress in myself, however, as yesterday I threw on a skirt that I haven’t worn in two summers because I felt it was too short and didn’t look good on my “fat legs.”

But I wore it yesterday, and I felt good in it. That’s progress.

I hope this little experiment has been helpful to other people as well, even though it got derailed in its last week or so.

Thanks for participating!

Today’s Task: Calculate the amount of money you haven’t spent this week because you’ve abstained from using one beauty supply (starting on the 22nd, remember?) Now, find a cause that you care about and donate that money that you saved or even more, if you are in a position where you can financially manage it, to that cause. Which action makes you feel better about yourself as a person – using the product(s) or donating the money to a worthy cause? You may not stop using the product(s) in question after this exercise, that doesn’t matter, what’s important is your understanding of the relationship between self esteem and your daily beauty rituals/acts of kindness.

Some Charity Ideas:

• Small Can Be Big is an organization that works “closely with case managers to find families who can truly benefit from a one-time charitable donation.” When you go onto the site you can choose a family in need of help to buy a car, escape an abusive relationship, keep the electricity on, keep a roof over their heads, pay off medical bills, and so on. Your gift goes directly to the landlord, hospital, company, etc. that is awaiting their payment and you get to walk away knowing that you’ve been a part of an effort to help a deserving family or individual deal with life’s unexpected difficulties.

An example of a family featured on the site: “Music and love hold this family together. They’ve faced trials over the past year that would tear apart any family, let alone a single mom and her three kids. The youngest child, a 3-year-old girl, was diagnosed with autism and lead poisoning from paint in their rented home. Unexpectedly, finding a new, safer home became a priority. Unfortunately, due to the amount of time the medical appointments required, Mrs. S lost her job of 15 years.

With your help and $1,500 by July 31st, Mrs. S will move her family out of harm’s way into a new apartment. Mrs. S has been given much to bear, but she can and will rise above it with the love of her children, her own capabilities and some help from you.”

• Alley Cat Rescue is an organization that works to protect cats on two levels both locally (“through rescue, rehabilitation and adoption of cats”) and nationally (“through a network of Cat Action Teams.”) Alley Cat Rescue “is dedicated to the health, well-being and welfare of all cats: domestic, stray, abandoned and feral.”

• If you’re not interested in donating to this organization but you still want to donate to an animal related charity then I would advise looking at Animal Charities of America -for links to many more animal related charities! Some other cool ones include Canine Assistants, Farm Sanctuary, and the National Aviary. (Side-note: I’d advise participants to give a good look to PETA’s highly sexist practices of objectifying  women in order to gain attention for many of their protests before donating any money them. There are many effective and less offensive alternatives to PETA – consider giving them your money instead.)

• The Center for Reproductive Rights is another great charity option.

From their website: “The Center for Reproductive Rights uses the law to advance reproductive freedom as a fundamental human right that all governments are legally obligated to protect, respect, and fulfill.  Reproductive freedom lies at the heart of the promise of human dignity, self-determination and equality embodied in both the U.S. Constitution and the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. The Center works toward the time when that promise is enshrined in law in the United States and throughout the world. We envision a world where every woman is free to decide whether and when to have children; where every woman has access to the best reproductive healthcare available; where every woman can exercise her choices without coercion or discrimination. More simply put, we envision a world where every woman participates with full dignity as an equal member of society.”

• “Action Against Hunger’s 6,000+ field staff work in some 40 countries to carry out innovative, lifesaving programs in nutrition, food security, water and sanitation, health, and advocacy. [Their] programs reach some 5 million people a year, restoring dignity, self-sufficiency, and independence to vulnerable populations around the world.”

If none of these catch your interest Charity Watch is a great research tool that lists many charities, based on their (high) ratings from the American Institute of Philanthropy. It’s a good place to get an idea of different causes you could donate to & find honest and effective charities within that area to donate to!

On an Unexpected Trip, Until Sunday

Keep Going! I’ll Recap Then! (:

(All three of these just seemed to go together, so I posted them together!)

August 23rd - In the morning, choose a person that you know you will see that day and resolve to brighten their day in some way – big or small. Observe how doing this makes you feel about yourself. Repeat, if you have the time & desire.

August 24th – Try the Strange(rs) No More challenge that I started on this blog almost a year ago: Think of someone you don’t like; someone who makes you nervous, uncomfortable; someone who is just so different from you that there’s no way you’ll ever get along; someone who is weird; someone who challenges your beliefs; someone who bullied you; someone you’ve never met. Now, talk to them. Invite them for coffee. Go for a walk. Get to know them. This assignment is about knocking down walls, about wrapping our hearts around someone we never would have tried to meet normally. About confronting our prejudices head on with real, human interaction. It’s about giving ourselves over to love, for everyone, so that others might try the same.

So I’m being honest, I TOTALLY failed today in an epic fashion. It was just one of those crappy days – I woke up sunburned, sore, and with absolutely no momentum so I blew off blogging and snapped at people all day. It wasn’t until I got on here just a minute ago (five minutes past midnight, I might add) that I realized what today’s task was and how badly I really had messed it up. So tomorrow I’m going to do all three – I’m going to make amends with people I haven’t been getting along with and I’m going to go out of my way to improve the days of the people I snapped at yesterday, as well as everyone else, as a way of making amends and (belatedly) completing the task.

I really need to remember how much better I feel about life & myself when I’m being nice to people.

August 25th – Do your best to leave every person/situation you encounter today just a little bit better than they/it was when you arrived!

August 21st – This has been a lot of work so far, so make today a day to celebrate YOU! Indulge yourself with the foods, activities, people, etc. that you love today and simply focus on doing things that make you happy without feeling guilt because you deserve it! How does it feel to celebrate you for a whole day? How can you maintain the feeling in your everyday life (if you want to, that is)?

This was easy because I was at the beach :) I try to do this anyway, on a smaller scale, in my daily life by “rewarding” myself whenever I get through something difficult and allowing myself to indulge in shopping, free time with friends, the foods I love, etc. to a degree. I just try to strike the right balance and never feel guilty about the times I do indulge because I know for every day I spend being lazy theres another one where I am running all over the place, for every less-healthy food I eat I’ve chosen something better for my body, for every shopping trip I take I’ve worked to make money to save and put away, and so on… so long as the balance is there the guilt doesn’t have to be!

August 22nd – Choose a product that you use regularly to alter your appearance (lipstick, hair product, razor, diet pills… whatever) and try going without it for the next week (or however long you feel comfortable) without using that product. During that week pay attention to how you feel without the product, and why you feel that way. This is a good way to really understand how the beauty products we use daily impact our self esteem.”

“Applying make-up, nail polish, shaving legs, and most other sexist, cosmetic double standards are NOT antitheses to being a feminist – the motivation behind the products are. While these products are all derived from the sexist ideal of a “perfect” woman, many women (and men, for that matter) enjoy these items; there’s nothing wrong with that choice. However, there is an inherent problem when there is no choice involved. [People] should be strongly encouraged to consider the motivations behind their habits but not castigated for living them out.” I saved this little snippet of a debate on my laptop awhile back… but I forgot to add a link so I have no idea where it came from (can anyone help me out?) Still, it delivers the exact message I wanted to with this challenge – it’s not about giving up the products that make us feel attractive but, rather, examining the effect these products have on our self-esteem and self concept. In doing so we can examine our motives and make an educated decision about whether or not to continue with the use of these products.

I took this idea on theorietically in my own life a few months ago, in regards to shaving. I don’t feel comfortable enough yet to stop shaving, I’m just going to be honest here. However, what I do feel capable of doing is giving up makeup for the next few weeks. Admittedly I have an off-and-on relationship with makup to begin with, but this should still be a challenge because I am breaking out this week and I’m used to covering up. We’ll see how it goes…

August 19th – Go on an adventure! Call up some friends (or explore by yourself) and take off for a walking tour of a place that you’ve never been or haven’t really taken the time to notice before. There are really no limits on this one – the point is simply to have a good time & a good walk.

I was at the beach so I bent the rules on this one and took a nice bike ride around town :) Pictures weren’t so much on my mind but I managed to snap one as evidence! It was nice to just take off for a bit and focus on the scenery around me, it really got me out of my own head for a bit, which is hard to do! (As an added bit of “challenge” I don’t like this picture of me much but I’m posting it anyway. At least it shows how much fun I was having!)

August 20th – Think of one habit that you have (biting your nails, putting yourself down, procrastination, etc.) and spend a day actively trying to avoid engaging in that habit. Keep the focus on the action – why you don’t like the action, how to stop the action, how you feel abstaining from the action – rather than the results of that action. This is a good exercise because it helps to separate our actions from our selves which is an important tool for creating a mindset where living healthily is more important that appearing “healthy” (or thin, which is what most people associate with healthy.)

I’m still working on my nail-biting habit. I’ll admit I did a crappy job after making it my goal the other day – but for this one day I managed to hold off, which is a step!

August 17th – Being healthy is important, so take some time today to improve your health through a commitment to movement. Spend some time evaluating your schedule today & thinking about the things you enjoy. Do you like to kayak? Dance? Play soccer? Ultimate Frisbee? Rock climb? Roller-blade? Run? Hula-hoop? How can you work some fun & pressure-free exercise into your daily life? Figure it out at then resolve to give it a shot -  you pick how often, what activities, and so on based on what feels good to you!

I went to a Zumba class with my friend Danielle a few weeks ago in preparation for this one… to see if Zumba was something I’d like to continue regularly, and it is! Zumba is this really cool dance-exercise class, set to modern music, with dance moves that are near impossible for me to do but still super fun :) The best part of the whole experience was definitely the fact that our instructor was wearing pants that had butt tassles on them that spun whenever she did one of the dance moves involving that part of her body (those were some of the moves I really couldn’t do, incidentally.)  The tassles-thing pretty much had me laughing through the whole class, and was great for boosting morale when I got tired. I won’t have the same instructor when I start it up at school, but still, I’m excited!

This summer I’ve also Kayaked as much as I could (which only amounts to twice, admittedly.) If I lived on a lake I would do this everyday though its so much fun!

As part of my effort to exercise a little (at least) every day I’ve found myself wii-hula-hooping and doing crunches a lot more because both are quick and easy so I can achieve my goal, but get on with my day.

Today, however, since I’m at the beach I rode waves in the ocean and rode a bike around town :) so much fun!

Your turn!

August 18th - Keeping with our physical health focus for a little while longer, learn how to cook something new today! Pick a recipe that is both health-conscious and delicious (not “diet food” but, rather, something that contains ingredients that give you vitamins & energy – I’ll be sure to get some recommendations together to get you started) and whip up a meal for yourself or for your family/friends as well!

[I'm @ the beach so I need a rain-check on this one, sorry!]